I know that everyone is not as fortunate as I am to have several family members who I know love me. I am so grateful, and I love them in return. I will do almost everything I can to make their lives better and they do the same for me. Picking them up from the airport or making chicken soup if they are ill, watching their kids or their pets (or their kid’s pets), etc.
I will gladly do whatever is needed of me but at the same time, I always try to minimize how much I ask of others. I don’t want to burden them. This is common and normal. Does this resonate with you?
With Grandparents’ Day coming along on Sept. 8, it is good to be mindful of what you can do now to minimize the burden on your loved ones as you get older. It all starts by being realistic.
We know we are all going to pass away sometime. Sadly, there is no way around this. Putting off thinking about our own death or incapacity won’t make it not happen. What it does do though is leave all the hard decisions and work for those who love us that we are leaving behind.
Commonly, people express that their desire is to stay in their home. They are adamant about it, but they do not have the foresight to realize that it doesn’t often happen by chance. I’ve heard it all including “the only way I am leaving this house is in a box!” Realistically, there are many reasons why that may not be possible. Being realistic about how your needs would be met if you can’t stay home does not diminish your independence. It offers your family some freedom from having to make really hard decisions for you.
Examine any concerns you have about getting support if you need it. Consider how your care needs could be met if you do end up needing help around the clock. Figure out how best to utilize your financial resources. Think about whether you want to be closer to family or stay near where you are. So many adult children of people who suddenly need care, unnecessarily grapple with knowing what their parents would want.
In not leaving your family to make difficult decisions without knowing what you want, choose not to burden them with your stuff. Downsize and minimize. You don’t even have to move out to downsize. The Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said; “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” Start by cleaning out one room. Do you really need all of that old paperwork? Those older newspapers? Clothes that don’t fit anymore?
You can also make it easier for your loved ones by giving them the answers to the questions they will have. Communicate with them about whether you want to be resuscitated if your heart stops. How much medical intervention, like feeding tubes, would you want if they must decide for you? What do you want after you pass away? Do you want them to consider things like donating your body to science or organ donation? What do you want your memorial service to be like?
They will also need to find all of your account numbers, login information, portals and passwords, and information to tie up loose ends with utility companies and the banks. What credit cards need to be cancelled? Which auto-ship services should they know about to cancel? Where is the key to the storage box or safe? Do you want your profile deleted from social media?
I accept that my fate is inevitable and I feel much better about the future knowing what I can to for my loved ones at a time when they need me the most.
Michelle Woodbrey is the co-founder of 2Sisters Senior Living Advisors has been working in the field of senior living for over 20 years.
