Editor’s Note: News Service of Florida columnist and longtime Florida journalism Bill Cotterell, who wrote about Florida government and politics for more than four decades, died Nov. 24 at age 82. Four days before his death, Cotterell filed this column. Senate President Ben Albritton on Monday will dedicate a plaque in Cotterell’s honor that will hang in the Lucy Morgan Senate Press Gallery.
A hit Broadway musical “The Book of Mormon” has a soliloquy in which an idealistic elder lays out the tenets of his faith, starting several stanzas with “I believe…” and building to a closing choral refrain in which the cast belts out, “A Mormon just believes.”
While laid up recently, I was listening to the show’s soundtrack and monitoring endless TV news reports and editorial commentaries about President Donald Trump changing his mind—and thus changing Republican Party policy—on public release of what have become known as the Epstein Files.
Those are the investigative records that existed, then didn’t exist, and now exist again involving Trump’s most famous Florida friend, the guy the president and a whole bunch of other rich folks lately discovered they barely ever met.
The innocent faith and wonderment expressed by the fictional missionary’s religious credo was in striking contrast to MAGA’s yearning desire to believe whatever Trump comes up with next.
Voters can agree or disagree with Trump’s government policies, but what level of blind belief must it take to accept without question much of what he tells his flock every day?
So here’s a little checklist that all true Trumpsters must instantly accept, or he’ll have Kristi Noem shoot your dog:
I believe the administration withheld the Epstein files to protect the dead predator’s victims, not to prevent public humiliation—maybe even criminal charges—for a lot of rich friends and business associates of powerful politicians and financiers who consider the cabana girls and cocktail servers part of the perks available for their fun at some Palm Beach clubs.
I believe releasing the Epstein files became wise policy and fairness the instant that two things happened—Trump said to do it, and pressure on members of Congress became politically unbearable with less than a year to go before the midterm elections.
I believe Marjorie Taylor Greene is a strong patriot who built a courageous record as a fearless supporter of the president, standing by him in the toughest of times. I believe she is also a traitor because, when only a tiny handful of House Republicans supported the discharge petition to open the Epstein files, she bucked the White House. And never mind details, Trump called her a traitor so she must be the worst turncoat since Benedict Arnold.
I believe Canadians could have formed a dandy 51st state, if they only had the brains God gave a syrup-soaked hockey puck. Greenland and the Panama Canal Zone blew their big chances to join, too.
I believe law and order means firing federal prosecutors and police investigators who do their jobs —and pardoning people who violently ransack the U.S. Capitol when their guy claims he didn’t really lose re-election, so they have to “fight like hell or you won’t have a country.”
I believe Trump won in 2020. All those secretaries of state, county elections supervisors, state and federal judges, and other public officials—none of whom knew each other, incidentally—were just conspiring against him.
I believe jurors in New York, Georgia and Washington who listened to witnesses, received evidence and examined the law were all prejudiced against Trump. Same goes for federal judges all over the country who struck down many of his fiscal, immigration and crime initiatives.
I believe that when uber-rich leaders of foreign countries decide one of our presidents is a really cool guy, they’ll give him a present like a 747 jet—expecting nothing in return.
I believe that, as with the jet, big donors want nothing in return for giving millions of dollars to spend on demolition of the White House East Wing and construction of a gaudy ballroom that Orlando wouldn’t permit on I-Drive as too tacky.
I believe tariffs won’t be passed along to consumers. Don’t big companies always swallow every increase in operating costs?
I believe the 22nd Amendment was the biggest mistake America has ever made. Trump should be allowed to run for a third term, then a fourth, but he’s right about wanting term limits for Congress.
I believe you can always judge the veracity of a news event by whether the president proclaims it a “hoax.”
I believe there’s room for a fifth face on Mount Rushmore. Or, they could carve him on the other side, facing Canada, just to remind those losers of the great chance they missed.
Bill Cotterell was a retired Capitol reporter for United Press International and the Tallahassee Democrat. Rest in peace, Bill.
