For the rest of this week and next, I don’t need Netflix to tell me what to watch, based on some algorithm. I’ll watch what’s on, when it’s on.
While our favorite network shows are mostly in reruns right now, I’ve got my appointment TV.
And even though they’re taking place half a planet away, in a country not exactly known for being inclusive — I’m all-in on the Winter Olympics.
I eat up the Olympics, especially the Winter games. We usually get Olympiads every two years, but thanks to a worldwide pandemic, we got the 2020 Summer games in “2020 One” and then the winter batch just a year later.
I get it, most Americans — and I’m looking at you, Florida Man and Woman — don’t connect well with sports that involve snow or ice, skis or skates (well, there are the fair-weather Tampa Bay Lightning fans who are interested as long as they keep winning hockey games).
That’s the appeal to me. I could never ski for 25 miles, or skate fast for 5,000 meters, or do whatever they do over “moguls” or on a “normal hill” — by the way, way to go, Olympics, for making ski jumping sound something like, “Meh, felt cute, jumped off a five-story ramp with sticks strapped to my feet.”
Compared to me, these athletes should be wearing capes instead of Spandex. But these Olympics are less about understanding a winter sport than being an experience couch potatoes like me only get every two (or four) years — one those athletes get no more than three times in their whole lives.
My Olympic experience would be incredible for reasons that have nothing to do with competition.
The experience of being in that festival city. Hanging out with other athletes of the world in the Olympic Village. Being a part of a gathering of them at the Opening Ceremony — while wearing the USA crest. Rooting on other teammates trying to live the same dream of winning an Olympic medal. Encapsulating all those memories at the Closing Ceremony.
And, even if you don’t achieve worldwide glory, knowing that you’re still one of the best athletes on the planet in your sport. Except for hearing their anthem, the 24th place finisher has the same unique story to tell as the gold medal winner.
So what would I choose to finish 24th in? Knowing I’d look a ball of blob in those Spandex outfits … the biathlon looks fun. I’ve got a short attention span, so skiing for a while then stopping to shoot targets would suit my style.
Have you gotten to watch short track speed skating? It looks like when the cat chases its tail — and catches it.
I’ll drive a bobsled, but pass on sliding on a luge. It’s the difference between racing a car and racing a motorcycle. And the skeleton — sliding down a wet, frozen tube at 85 m.p.h. belly-down on a tiny sled — face first?!? Those maniacs can keep that.
Curling would be fun for, like, a day. And while I have a (big) problem with sports that are judged, turning them from sports to art, you’ve got to respect the figure skaters like Russia’s Kamila Valieva. Sunday she became the first woman to land a quadruple jump in the Olympics, then a minute later did it again — and looked like a perfect robot doing it, balancing her body on a two-inch wide piece of metal. (Editor's note: Valieva reportedly tested positive for a banned substance Wednesday. Because of course.)
You can’t relate. I can’t relate. I’d love to be able to.
How can you pass on watching that every four years?
