Things that make me crazy

  • Michael Aun
    Michael Aun

You know what ticks me off?

Having to change my passwords periodically because some geek in a cubical decided it’s in my best interest to build a cyber wall. The only wall being built is keeping me out of my bank account, computer and email.

I’ve run out of pet names and favorite football teams. Please stop asking me to change my password. I’m getting tired of renaming my dog all the time.

I once needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. It was respectfully rejected.

My 401-K vendor told me I needed a password and sent me these instructions. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. FEDCB is an invalid password. What the heck is that all about?

The rules went on to say that a password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords. It was at that precise moment that I wanted to enter therapy.

Therapists suggest that people like me suffer from a psychological premise known as oppositional reflex, i.e. you say white, I say black. You say day, I say night. You say sunshine, I say rain. What’s that got to do with my rebelling against the stupid password rules some short-sleeved nosepicker dreamed up in his basement?

Another rule the 401-K folks told me I had to follow was that a password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words. This more about puzzles than it is about passwords. I feel like I’m play scrabble.

They also advised me that my password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password. I figured out that I can use two passwords for almost everything and once you figure it out, you own me.

Another thing that hacks me off is telemarketers. Hello??? Have you ever heard of a no-call list? If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s Santa.

I also hate people who want to judge me. Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.

A colleague once told me that his ex says that he will dance on her grave. Go figure...she’s now arranged to be buried at sea.

Is there a class that women take to break up with boyfriends? “It’s not you, it’s me.” Translation: It is you but I’m afraid to say why you irritate me.

“I don’t want a new boyfriend.” Translation: I don’t want to be with you moron.

“I think we need some time off.” Translation: I want to shop around but I’d like you to still be there if the pickings are slim.

“There’s too much going on in my life right now.” Translation: I’m not making time for you pal.

Guys love to hide behind the classic line “I’ll call you.” Translation: When hell gets chilly.

Women love to try to make you feel good when they’re dumping you. “You’re far too good for me.” Translation: I’m too good for you buster. Take a hike.

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” Translation: Any attraction I have for you is long gone.

And the classic parting line... “I’ll always love you.” Translation: “I don’t love you any more.

“Maybe this breakup will be good for you.” Translation: Since you’ve never really experienced pain before.

“The problem with our relationship is we’re in a relationship.” Translation: Get me out of here before I go nuts!

And here’s an all-time favorite: “You’re not Mr. Right- just Mr. Right now!”