Rejected Movie Plots

By Nick Thomas

Ever had a really good idea for a movie and tried pitching it to a Hollywood agent? Me too.

I was hopeful that Orion Pictures would embrace my comedy about an aspiring hairdresser who practices on her siblings. But they declined the rights to “Hannah and her Scissors.”

Here’s a list of my other dazzling film plots and their proposed titles, all of which were, for some reason, rejected:

  • A murder mystery about a young couple who plan to do away with the girl’s disapproving mother by poisoning her iced tea with an overdose of artificial sweetener. Film title: “Splenda in the Glass.”
  • In this sci-fi horror, an infectious skin disease spreads through a city causing its demented victims to wander the streets at night, driven crazy by the itchy lesions. Film title: “Invasion of the Body Scratchers.”
  • A comedy about a New England entrepreneur who starts a business manufacturing sweet treats for pampered pooches. Film title: “Yankee Poodle Candy.”
  • A group of husbands learn that their wives have published a book recommending their favorite brands of ale. Film title: “The Best Beers of our Wives.”
  • A musical comedy starring an entertainer who falls down a manhole, then sings and dances his way to safety through the city’s sewer system.  Film title: “Singin’ in the Drain.”
  • The hero of this time loop saga awakens each morning only to discover that every day the mailman leaves him the same package which always contains the same popular cereal grain. Film Title: “The Postman Always Brings Rice.”
  • This drama follows the personal growth of a young man who suddenly discovers he has become a father. Film title: “From Here to Paternity.”
  • In this introspective story, a group of environmentalists must reassess their organization after discovering their group left behind mountains of trash during a public demonstration to promote conservation awareness. Film title: “How Green was my Rally.”
  • In this Hitchcock-like suspense drama, a woman disappears after a mysterious woodworker hires her to put the finishing touches to his projects. Film title: “The Lady Varnishes.”
  • A military inventor develops a personal armor device to prevent injuries to male soldiers. Film Title: “Saving Ryan’s Privates”
  • This story follows a group of ultra-thin reality show contestants attempting to gain weight. Film title: “They were Expandable.”
  • After losing his cell phone signal in an isolated town, a social media mogul struggles for survival. Film title: “Lost Verizon.”
  • A tradesperson who must travel many miles each day to work has difficulty maintaining relationships. Film title: “Loneliness of the Long Distance Plumber.”
  • In this historical biopic, it’s revealed that the shortage of exotic fruit was the real cause of the French Revolution. Film title: “Last Mango in Paris.”

Nick Thomas teaches at Auburn University Montgomery, Ala., and has written features, columns, and interviews for more than 600 magazines and newspapers.