Rick Pedone
Sports Editor

Memo to Kansas City, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis and Atlanta: The NFL season has begun.

Feel free to play a game, already.

None of them showed up for their openers last week. The combined scores of their four losses: 140-33.

Slow starts don’t necessarily doom NFL teams. The 2003 New England Patriots had a 31-0 blowout hung on them by Buffalo in week 1, and the Pats were so upset that they won their second Super Bowl.

We’ll give Pittsburgh and Atlanta a temporary pass. They went to Baltimore and Chicago, respectively. The Steelers schedule is so soft that they almost have to make the playoffs; the Falcons are better under their dome.

As for Indianapolis without Peyton Manning, well, it’s not too soon to teach the team bugler “Taps.” The Chiefs got bombed by Buffalo, at home, so really, what else is there to say?

What about this from Patriots quarterback Tom Brady to the Pats fans: “Drink Up!” Within an hour, the Pats front office tried to massage that.

“He was talking about staying hydrated,” the PR people said. Uh huh.

How about those college shootouts last week? Auburn beating Mississippi State on a stop at the 1/2-yard line and Michigan stitching a big ‘M’ on its throwback jerseys and stunning Notre Dame in the fourth quarter.

Those games were so good that they belong in the Mighty News-Gazette Divine 9:

No. 1: Those games. No. 2: Thomas “Bottoms Up” Brady. No. 3: The Packmen. No. 4: Boomin’ Sooner. No. 5: Roll Tide. No. 6: The Ravens. No. 7: FSU. No. 8: The Phillies (for clinching a playoff spot). No. 9: The Pirates (for  losing 19 years in a row).

And, we’re off:

Oklahoma (-3) at Florida State: Noles for two reasons. One, they remember last year’s blowout loss at Norman. Two, because “Flaming Spear” Sullivan, resident photo jockey, will be much unhappy if the Noles lose. It’s not fun when the photo jockey is unhappy, so Noles by 4 in the “Happy Flaming Spear Upset Special.”

Tennessee at Florida (-9): Remember when this was the SEC game of the year? You’d have to have a very good memory. Gators by only 6.

Ohio State at Miami (-2): Winner gets the death penalty. So does the loser. Canes by 3.

Auburn at Clemson (-3.5): The Auburn defense has been shoved all over the field two games in a row, and it is 2-0. Why break the trend? War Eagle by 1 in Upset Special II.

Michigan State at Notre Dame (-5.5): On the other hand, the Irish shoved USF and Michigan all over the field the past two weeks, and they’re 0-2. Must be cosmic balance. Irish by 3.

The paid professionals:

Jacksonville at N.Y. Jets (-9.5): Jags are 1-0. That seems to be about enough wins for now. J-E-T-S by 6.

Tampa Bay at Minnesota (-3): Tampa Bay’s new nickname: “The Blackout Bucs.” Vikes by 4.

Houston (-3) at Miami: Miami has to win a home game one of these days. Fins by 2 in Upset Special III.

San Diego at New England (-6.5): Who knew Bluto Blutarsky played QB for New England? Pats by 7.

Philadelphia (-2.5) at Atlanta: Falcons traded away a boatload of draft picks to make a Super Bowl run. How’s 0-2 look? Mr. Vick runs wild in his homecoming. Eagles by 4.

Brian “Big Man” McBride’s Super Sniffer Upset Special: Bucs over Vikings by 3.

Petey “The Gators Are Going to Win” Covino says: Gators by 14.

Andrew “Flaming Spear” Sullivan’s Red Hot Tip: Seminoles, 49-17.

Ken Jackson says: Sooners by 4, Texans by 2 and an apology to “Flaming Spear” and all of South Florida.

Last week: Young Blood (7-4, 9-7) holds a narrow lead over Petrified Piker (7-4, 8-8).