Ken Jackson
Sports Writer

Random, quirky thoughts from the sweaty (yet still comfy) tan recliner ...

Football. Tonight.

The NFL returns – there was never a doubt, right? – with the usual month-long scourge of preseason games. It’s advisable to only watch the first five minutes or so, unless you want to watch your pizza delivery guy or plumber playing linebacker in the third quarter.

That little feather-duster pillow fight that labor and the bosses waged this summer wiped out all those “voluntary” spring workouts, and a lot of preseason training camp got nixed, too.

Players? Rusty. Talent? Mediocre. End result? Bad football. Outta-shape football. How many guys alreadyhave  blown Achilles’ before a single down has been played between teams wearing different colored jerseys?

And with all the player movement we’ve had in the past 180 hours or so, there’s been less time for teams to toss about those buzz words “jell” and “build chemistry.”

If your team is starting a young quarterback, that’s bad, bad news. So g’head and count out Detroit, San Francisco, Carolina, Arizona and Cleveland.

Teams have already counted out some talented players by cutting them. Oakland’s Robert Gallery. Minnesota’s Bryant McKinnie. Seattle’s Lofa Tatupu. Pittsburgh’s Max Starks and Antwan Randle-El. Nobody offered Randy Moss a job he wanted, so he retired.

Other guys were luckier. Ronnie Brown went for carries and cheesesteaks in Philadelphia. Darren Spoles will do the same with a side of gumbo in New Orleans. He can use Reggie Bush’s spoon after he galloped down to Miami.

Donovan McNabb’s in Minnesota, because Tavaris Jackson is in Seattle  because Matt Hasselbeck is in Tennessee.

Then there’s the “Head Case Units.” Vince Young joins Mike Vick in Philly’s QB mix. The Eagles also traded for Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and signed — wait, let me cut-and-paste that name I can’t say or spell – Nnamdi Asomugha. Along with Asante Samuel that’s three starting cornerbacks, but on 80 percent of the plays only two are on the field.

Santonio Holmes and Plaxico Burress are Jet teammates. Rex Ryan should  have, to quote the currently unemployed T.O., “the popcorn ready.”

Albert Haynesworth and Chad Ochocinco are Bill Belichick’s newest pet projects. Going on track record, they’ll spend Labor Day smiling, hoisting Sam Adams Pale Ales and singing the “Cheers” theme in perfect unity and harmony together. (Got an extra bar stool for Moss?)

So who’s gonna win the Super Bowl?

HOW THE HECK SHOULD I KNOW?!?

For a good while into the regular season, this NFL year will be tough to get a bead on. Some teams are going to look really, really bad early on. But don’t be surprised if those same teams look really, really good when the leaves change and the snow falls in places it’s supposed to.

ooo

Finally, in my meager existence, I made it to Citizen’s Bank Park in my hometown at Philadelphia  last week. By far my favorite ballpark experience in the major leagues, but when you realize the competition thus far includes Tropicana Field, whatever the place the Marlins play in is called and Veterans Stadium of yesteryear, it’s like beating the folks at Good Sam Village in a foot race.

Great views of the Philadelphia skyline, even better food – I passed on cheesesteaks and the “Schmitter” in favor of Greg Luzinski’s BBQ and Tony Luke’s roast pork – and good flow of people, a big plus since every game there is standing-room only these days.

Baseball may be a little boring, tedious and snail-paced for some, but baseball at the ballpark has it goin’ on, if you’re willing to empty your wallet a bit ... I’ve got just the guy to get us of this lousy-credit-rating, stock-free-fall mess. Need a guy to pick your stocks for you? Ask golf caddie Stevie Williams. Everything he touches these days turns into trophies.