Football, shopping both brutal

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Football, shopping both brutal

Sports

Friday, 03 December 2010 10:35

Ken Jackson
Sports Writer

Writing the football column this time of year is tough.
I just got the last of the deep fried turkey pudding leftovers out of my system. You never know what mood I’m in.

Nearly all the essential college football games are done, so I could go into my great idea of how to settle the championship (short version: I’m a “plus-one” proponent), but hearing it will make you want to go outside and hang another strand of lights.
I know, you’d much rather go out Christmas shopping. You likely started last Friday, creating a 5 a.m. rush hour while those with sanity slept off turkey binges.
By the end of the day, after spending the typical $417.56, the ladies flopped into the car and said, “I didn’t get anything for my significant other.”
Admittedly, we’re tough to shop for. If we need something, we go get it ourselves — and we’ll spend $2 on a $1 part we really need. (As opposed to the ladies who, God love’ em, will spend $1 on a $2 item they’ll never use.) In the end, we’re sure we get exactly what we want.
Well, I’m a guy, and I’m here to help with the Mighty News-Gazette’s Top 13 Christmas Can’t-Miss Gifts for Guys:
1. The Naked Gun boxed set (surely we’ll miss you, Lt. Frank Drebin). 2. Socks and underwear (Laundry? Nah, I’ll just open a new pack.). 3. Golf balls. 4. A day free from chores and the family to enjoy them. 5. Good Scotch (in the liquor store, expensive = good). 6. A cable package to watch whatever football game he wants. 7. An uninterrupted cable signal. 8. Batteries for the remote. 9. A muzzle (works on pets, small children and Ohio State Chancellor Gordon Gee). 10. A Red Rider BB gun (shooting stuff is fun). 11. A year’s supply of “mystery meats” — bratwurst, beef jerky, bologna, and such. 12. Money to pay for what he bought for himself while out Christmas shopping for others. 13. Whatever he tells you to get.
Full disclosure: I must admit these are all things that I want. (Happy hunting!) In the meantime, here’s some picks ...
SMU at UCF (-9): Conference USA title game. Winner goes to Liberty Bowl to play Georgia. Knights need a bowl win, but probably won’t find one against an SEC team. The alternative is playing at Hawaii. Happy holidays! UCF by 7.
FSU vs. Virginia Tech (-4): ACC Title game. ‘Noles have shown the same consistency as turkey pudding — you never know from one week (or spoonful) to the next. Hokies by 6.
Nebraska vs. Oklahoma (-3): Big 12 title game that means something to some people, but I’ve been on the roof inflating Rudolph’s nose so I have no clue. Sooners by 8.
South Carolina vs. Auburn (-5): SEC title game. That college championship plan I mentioned? Here’s the short version: this is one of the national semifinals. War Eagle by 3.
Oregon (-15) at Oregon State: And here’s the other one. Ugly Ducks by 13.
UConn at USF (-2.5): Huskies go to a BCS game if they can get past the Bulls, who have ruined Big East things before. Grinchy Horned Cows by 1.
The paid professionals:
Cleveland at Miami (-4): Dolphins have been brutal at home. Lose to the Browns and there could be good tickets left (Christmas gift?) the rest of the year. Mahi Mahi by 3.
Atlanta (-3) at Tampa Bay: No Ronde Barber. No Aqib Talib. Plenty of Matty Ice. Bucs fans, go shopping Sunday. Falcons by 9.
Jacksonville at Tennessee (-2): Who’s playing quarterback for the Titans this week? Rusty Smith? Donner and Blitzen would be available but they’re on my roof twinkling. Jags by 3 in Garrard’s Better Than Nothing Upset.
Pittsburgh at Baltimore (-3): Get home from the stores and down from the roof to watch this slugfest. Ravens by 9.
N.Y. Jets at New England (-3.5): Ladies, check out something from the Bill Belichick clothing line for your man. Oh, the game? Pats by 7.
Brian “Big Man” McBride’s Super Sniffer Upset Special: Cowboys over Colts by 4.
Rick Pedone says: UConn by 3; Titans by 2.
Last week: Pittsburgh Puddin’ Head (7-3, 70-51) topped Philly Cheese Brain (5-5, 72-49).
Parting shot: To my Jewish friends, I wish a Happy Hanukkah. If you enjoy jazz, to you I wish a Harry Connickah.