Juliana A. Torres News-Gazette staff writer Commentary

The other day I received an e-mail from a well-meaning friend, offering 10 safety tips to keep women from becoming the victim of a random act of violence and/or serial killer. An equally well-meaning “cop” supposedly had compiled the tips.

Among other things, he cautioned against sympathy to seemingly helpless strangers and reminded women that serial killers could be “good-looking,” like Ted Bundy. He advised females to remember the strength of a well-placed elbow and suggested they count on poor aim from criminals and flee in zigzags when guns were pointed at them.

Despite the incredulity of some of the circumstances he suggested women might encounter on the way home from work at night, I appreciated most of his advice. I had never considered kicking out the taillight of a car and waving frantically at passing cars, should I ever find myself locked in a trunk. Nor had I thought that the sound of a crying baby coming from my porch might actually be a rapist with a tape recorder, hoping to lure me from the safety of my home.

I suppose we should be prepared for any form of attack and be far more wary of crying babies.

But in general, I think Americans have a skewed perception of crime. It’s understandable, given that we probably watch some form of a chilling, logic-defying, CSI-spin-off show every night. However, as someone who writes regularly about the much more mundane crimes and violent deaths in this county, I will disclose that I’ve found the criminal element to be a lot less complex than our fears might lead us to believe.

In place of our reputed law enforcement officer’s 10 suggestions on avoiding serial killers, I submit to you five simpler tips that will help you avoid about 99 percent of the tragic possibilities swirling around you on a more daily basis.

Tip #1: Buckle your seat belt!
I cannot emphasis this enough. Getting killed in a car crash doesn’t have anything to do with crime, of course, but statistically, driving is the most dangerous task you undertake everyday. That said, given today’s safety standards, you also have a very high likelihood of walking away from a car crash completely, or moderately, fine. That is, unless you don’t buckle up, idiot. No amount of airbags and antilock brakes can keep you alive if you don’t manage to stay in your seat upon impact.

Know this: About 80 percent of the traffic death stories I write about don’t involve high speeds, drivers flying through red lights or the distraction of cell phones, via texting or otherwise. All you need to spell out your own traffic doom is a moment of distraction, a ditch along a completely empty country road and a disregarded seat belt. The equation becomes simpler if you add in a motorcycle, sans the helmet.

Tip #2: You have a vastly higher chance of being killed by your angry boyfriend than by a random stalker in a dark parking lot.
This is nothing personal against anyone’s boyfriend. But I’d like to point out that Ted Bundy only became famous because he was a rare case. If a woman goes missing, the first people the police will question are those closest to her: her significant other, her family, her friends and her co-workers. Nine times out of 10, they don’t have to look very far past those suspects.

Keep this in mind the next time an argument with a loved one turns violent and/or threatening. It pains me to think that thousands of women are terrified of strangers who might jump them when leaving the supermarket, but then drive home to daily violence from those closest to them. There are lots of people who can and want to help. You can call Help Now of Osceola 24 hours a day at 407-847-8562, for example.

Tip #3: Always remember that criminals are inherently lazy.
If they were as creative as your imagination gives them credit for, they might have prosperous jobs and wouldn’t be trying to steal from you. Trying to account for all possible vulnerabilities will only create more debilitating paranoia than any situation merits.

That said, don’t make it too easy, like with an unlocked or wide-open door. Above all, the most preventative measure you can take against theft is to remove the temptation. If you walk down a dark alley by yourself with expensive jewelry around your neck or prominently display your most prized possession in the front window of your house, you will attract thieves like moths to a flame. Yet, (and I know this from personal experience) the most unsecured car in the world can go years without a single assault if there’s nothing valuable to steal from the back seat.

Tip #4: Never possess, sell, traffic or become addicted to illegal drugs.

Not necessarily because they’re evil or will kill you (Did you ever stop to consider what goes into methamphetamine?), but because they’re expensive (which is mostly because they’re illegal) and will drive you to desperate measures that will inevitably attract violence. Plus, cops love nothing better than busting drug dealers, which is what you are if you grow marijuana in the spare room with heat lamps. Just FYI.

Tip #5: Don’t drink and drive.
While you’ll probably still walk away from the resulting accident if you wear a seatbelt (see Tip #1), cops also love busting drunk drivers, as they well should. The penalties – both in the courts and on the roads – are far, far too steep to make it worth any possible inconvenience – unless you’re trying to escape from an angry boyfriend who’s also drunk and might kill you (see Tip #2). Then I’d say, “Risk the cops and drive as far away as possible.” Just don’t drive back to his house when you sober up the next morning. No good can come of that.

And that’s basically it. Despite the humorous tone of this list, I’m convinced that if every woman followed Tips 1 though 5 religiously, males statistically would become the more vulnerable gender in less than a decade. I have no hard facts to back up this claim (in fact, none of the statistics used in the above tips are more than rounded guesstimates), but it just seems like common sense.

I believe our well-meaning cop, if he does exist, is more likely an FBI agent, who constantly investigates our most heinous federal offenses, rather than a retired deputy sheriff concerned with the fragile population of females in his hometown.

Nonetheless, his point and mine can be summed up with a few reminders. All criminals are opportunistic. They count on your panic and they ultimately prey on your fear. The most gruesome and violent (up to and including some terrorists) aren’t very different from the misguided teenager pointing an unloaded gun to your head and demanding your cell phone and purse.

So, my fellow sisters, remember you always have a choice when it comes to the perception of yourself as a potential victim. We can live in fear, wondering if every supermarket parking lot has become a cesspool of lurking serial killers, or we can stride forward, maintain a balanced sensitivity to our risks and remember that delinquents and criminals would have more interest in our purses than in us. So, buckle your seatbelts and drive on.

Juliana A. Torres can be reached at jtorres@osceola newsgazette.com or by calling 321-402-0434.